ipromise.
iwillbewaiting.

Comtemplating



There is this sudden interest in blogging once again after 1 year. I've been thinking whether it should be known to public or not. Though no one really visits my blog. I used to question myself? Why do people blog? Why do they have to let the whole world know how they feel and what they do. Are they just attention seeking. Will they feel better to know that people are actually interested in their life? Well, sometimes I feel that way. I want people to know how I feel. What I think. I want them to tell me their opinions. Am I taking the right paths. Am I doing the right things. Ironically, I do not want to show my whole life to everyone. My true motives and emotions. Thus, should i have a private blog? A straight - Yes. For a few to view.A few to know how I truely feel. Whether this flesh of mine is just a facade. Am I who I really am? Am I a hypocrite. This feelings will be stored safely in this worldwideweb. Free from worries to know that people I hate or love will get sensitive to issues and events. I will continue to blog openly too but more on events and less on feelings. However I am thinking of moving to another site. Hence once the final transfer is done, this blog will officially be dead. Thanks for the support....If there is any. Good Bye.

The last image, the last memory.




The Past, Present, Future



Past few months, feelings have been bottled up and the only avenue I can release such feeling is through this blog. There were lots of happenings. Both good and bad. However, good finally triumphs over bad. The past few months were really magical. Something really unexplainable. Something I thought I would never feel again. I felt like a caged bird finally being released. Being able to fly once again. Now, I do believe in miracles.

Work has been piling up, so is stress. I am given more responsibilities now. I am also the PA to one of the most fear Mdm. The stress is overwhelming. Having the fear of doing things wrongly, risking getting scolded at. However, as time went by, she seems to treat me better. She became a nicer person. That’s how I felt. However, this does not mean that workload is lightened. The tons on my back is making me ache. I have to overtime till dawn. So far I have overtime till 2+ am in the morning. And the latest time I ever end work was 530am. Confused? So am I. Just know that the limit is coming and going beyond it may cause much damage both mentally and physically. Tough work? Definitely. However, I found new hope and motivation to bring me on through life. And this hope is just 16 floors down.

I met this girl 5-6 months ago and the swimming pool and I was mesmerized. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Suddenly she just became part of me. One of my memory. I told myself that I would talk to her a week later if I see her at the pool again – she wasn’t there.

I began to open my eyes. With 2 months I have only bumped into her 4 times. Finally, based on mere luck, I manage to find her online. She was a very friendly and nice person to talk to. Soon I began to feel. A lost feeling suddenly finding its way home. We finally met up and it was only after a month. Just like honey attracting bees, I was drawn to her beauty. Before we know it, we started dating. My girlfriend is Charmaine.

I learnt a lot of lessons in the past that was very valuable. Due to such lessons, I am finally able to be stronger person. It is the past that makes me happy in the present. It is such happiness in the present that makes u anticipated the future with great excitement. The past may not be a fantastic one, but it was all worth it. My friend asked whether I would change anything that happened in the past. My answer was a straight no. That is because without such things that happened in the past, it may risk u feeling this happy in the present. Thus now I tend to look at things on the brighter side. Though life may be a piece of shit right now but who knows what the future holds. You can never be too sure. If you life cannot get any worse, won’t that mean that life would only get better? Live life to the fullest and you would enjoy the fruits of your labour. What lies ahead for me in the future? I don’t know. I am scared but I also have this feeling that it is going to be a great one!

-Finally, the cage bird is set free. Finally this bird will no longer feel lonely anymore-




April Adventure



The month of April was nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. There were both good times and bad times. These experiences made me stand firm on the mentality that life is unpredictable. Allow me to run through the events of April.

The first two weeks of April was one of the best weeks of my army life. That was because I had SAFSA inter-formation bowling competition. I have never felt so happy about going for training before. Not only that, I bowled 12 strikes in a row! The schedule for the second week was the best.
Monday - Left camp at 1115hrs
Tuesday - Left camp at 1115hrs
Thursday - Competition(need not report at all)
Friday - On off
What a week. However, such enjoyment came with a price and that was a blow to my self-confidence; my ability to bowl well. That was because I bowled super badly for my competition. My team came in fourth because of me. I felt so guilty. I let my team down. Worst of all, I let myself down. When you fall, it is so hard to recover. So hard.

To cheer myself up, I went to buy my PSP(Playstation Portable). A high price to pay to make myself happy you might say, but I guess it is something called crave.The week ended off with a good note. You may think that it ended of well because of my birthday, but it is not the event but rather the company I had. Nothing is more satisfying than to see your special someone, even for a second.

When everything finally seem to go my way for the first time, it feels as if God decided to toy with me and decided to change my happiness to sadness and agony. I officially took over my upperstudies' and it feels like hell. Not only am I doing two people's job, I am also being arrowed more work by my lady boss. It really seem as if she has something against guys. Just throwing temper around. I get scoldings for explaining; I get scoldings for not explaining. Really wonder what she wants. I am almost reaching my limit before I actually suffer from depression. Even my direct boss tell me not to feel so stressed out. She even went around to tell other people that I am suffering from depression. I am just frustrated by the way everyone is treating me and the amount of workload. Please treat us NSFs like humans for once. Reaching break point soon. Who says being a clerk is easy. I would volunteer to study or go combat anytime. My SMU interview was also bothering me, thats because I totally screwed it up. As it was a group interview, you are not up against yourself alone but other "competitors" too. These students from elite schools flaunt about themselves and prove how elopuent they can be. I was also surprised by their "fantastic" answers and shocked with my stupidity.
Question: Why do you want to come to SMU?
Answer: Cause the people here are cooler.
Great work Keith. You publicly showed off your stupidity. A week later, I recieved a letter. I was accepted.

Life is really unpredictable. Sometimes you feel as if you are king. The next moment, you don't feel like living. Anyway I feel that these tribulations are only trials and tests to make us stronger. We humans aren't that weak up in the mind( Though i can't agree whether our hearts are just as strong). Plan your future but take things a step at a time. As qouted from "Forrest Gump" , "Life's like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're gonna get." Sigh..These uncertainties of life.
Why can't we have things our way? Why?




The Moment



Do you know when you truly feel happy? I do. It is a very magical thing. Something unexplainable. Something....special.

I am sure most of us have experiences of happy moments. But what are these events? Winning in a competition? Getting good grades? Completing a project? Clinching a deal..etc. The list goes on. However, for me, it is falling in love all over again. Love can be placed in both extremes. Happiness and agony. Agape love is almost non-existent. Everyone feels happy when the person they love loves them back, experiencing a mutual relationship. But what if the person do not share the same feelings as you do? What would you do? Just give up? It isn't a simple task if your heart is already deep-rooted into this relationship. The next question- How would you feel around that person? Afraid? Shy? Or maybe "pissed"(well, no one should feel that way)? There is this overwhelming sadness deep within. You try to break free from this pain, but all efforts are in vain. You stand beside her and you feel awkward. However, I finally realised that that shouldn't be the case. One should change sadness to happiness and concentrate on enjoying the moment. Just by listening to the person's voice. Feeling her close to you. That is all that matters. Such unconditional love is tough but if you truly love that person, you would rather her to be happy. It still pricks the heart, but whats meant to be is meant to be. Everthing has got it's place and time. Leave things to fate. That was what I was asked to do. That is what I am doing. I hope things would change for the better for everyone. Everyone who is crazy in love, everyone with a heartache.

Anyway I would like to wish Ele Happy Brithday once again. 31st of March, not just any other day. Not just someone's birthday. 3 years ago, there were two less lonely people in the world. The guy was on cloud nine. He was enjoying the moment. He was in love.

P.S( The moon seems rounder, the stars seems brighter. It truly was a beautiful night. Thanks.)




Aftermath.



It's been two weeks since I last recieved my A level results. It was a bitter-sweet feeling. This was because I did better than expected but it wasn't the grades I aimed for. My teacher asked me to aim for triple Cs and all my friends thought that I was going to fail. That was because I only started serious studying only two weeks before the paper. It seems really funny that people tend to want to do better than what they actually get, even though the results are better than expected. For example, if someone aims to get BBB but instead gets AAB, rather than feeling happy, he would grumble about not getting AAA. That is how funny human nature is. We are never satisfied, be it in studies, relationships, or material wealth. This is one aspect everyone should ponder on. What do we really want in life? Will I ever be satisfied?

The following week, I tagged along the SAJC bowling team to JB for their teaming bonding trip. From a third person point of view, I can tell that the team isn't that united. They are separated into their own groups. Though still friendly with each other, there isn't this mutual bond. There is no hunger for companion and cohesion. I could easily identify the difference between last year and this year(the team itself). This year, everyone just did their own thigns within their own segregated group of friends. Last year, we would gather together at night and talk and do stuff, creating that spirit and similiar team interest. Even one day after the camp, I still feel the want of spending time together. Different batch, different experiences. On ability wise, it is a different story. This is a very promising batch of keglers and I feel that they can bring SA to greater heights. However, they still have to keep in mind that National Schools is not about individual talent but rather teamwork. "Win our title back!" Anyway, I did not waste my time in JB. This was because I manage to salvage a medal with lots of luck. I came in 2nd for singles with an average of 206. Not bad considering the fact that I haven't been bowling for more than 8 months and currently suffering from a severe back injury. Other than that, I manage to complete KOF2002 without help and cheating(ok, no big deal). Besides these "achievements", I did make friends from JB too. What to do, great human relations. Though no as exciting, it was truly a fruitful experience. A good study of human behaviour.

It is easy to see others flaws, but it is extremely difficult to see one's own. We often tend to believe that we are always right and not at fault. I need help. I need to correct myself. I do not know what my flawas are, but I do know that exigent attention is required. Someone help me bt a better person.

Anyway, the song titled "True" has been out for quite long time already. I find the lyrics quite meaningful and somehow I feel that I can related to the song very well. Hence before I go, I shall end of with the lyrics of "True" by Ryan Cabrera.

"True"

I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz im afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move
Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go ill be on my way to you
The way thats true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true




Bottled Up



Sometimes I really do feel like a small little bottle. Somehow I am unable to empty what is inside. The the bottle is filled and more material is being forced inside. The pressure exerted is unbearable. How do I empty this bottle. How do I empty my heart?

I always encourage people to shared their problems with me(or others). Thats because it is unhealthy to keep everything to themselves. Being troubled is not an enjoyable process. The more trouble you have, the more pain you feel. I am sure everyone knows that and no further elaboration is required. But everyone also wants to know how to release such unwanted energy; to free themselves from such torment and agony. I am no exception. I use unuseful methods to try and ease the pain. Some methods would be inflicting physical pain, drowning myself in loud music, isolated myself. However these methods does not seem to help. It would lead to more pain and suffering till the point where these troubles would cause eventual mental breakdown. The nest method may acutally be sharing it with your peers and these includes close friends and family members. However, I do not seem to be able to let it all out. I need someone to talk to. To let it all out. To express how i feel. Oh well, I have a personal policy of not troubling others and also the fear of rejection. Therefore I guess I'll just have to hope that everything God has planned for me goes smoothly. I am tired, so "bottled up"


-A level results out in less then a day. Whether if it's a sweet or bitter ending, I hope its good enough for you.....-




Just one of those days.



Yesterday was really a bad day. Let me elaborate a little. I came to work with a happy start. Feeling excited for those who are gonna recieve their O level results. Everything seem to pass smoothly, especially when I realised that my direct boss was on course. It was a "planned" slack day, but no...my upperstudy left me lots of work. I am not blaming him because at least i would be kept busy rather then staring into space. HOWEVER... My boss called from course and threw me more work in the afternoon! She didn't know that I had work of my own! Well, what can I do? Suck thumb lor. I had to check hundreds of mail, fold them, put them in envelopes and send them. I left the office at around 6.30 thanks to Derek and Wai Leng. Without them I would most probably leave at 8 plus. The shitty day doesn't end here. On the bus journey, I happened to be sitting on a chair that is directly under a leaking air-con. The bus was crowded and obviously, I had to stick with my sit (but i was sitting beside a jap girl though =p). Posted the mail, reached home late. Tired and shagged i rested on my bed. A lonely night it was, leaving me to ponder how crap my day was. If something like this happens again today, what can I do? Suck thumb lor.




Tired



Before I start going on a crapping frenzy, I would like the wish everyone a very Happy Lunar New Year. Though mine wasn't as fantastic. Kinda of expected anyway. This was because I was rushing for a series of events up ahead. The atmosphere and mood was not there. My mind seems so occupied, however I was unable to identify the problem. Eveything seemed wrong. Every action made. I am really getting very tired. Probably on the verge of heading back to some stupid "hobbies" of the past. I am just so so tired.

Work- This stupid new army life is really getting on my nerves. So much to do. It really irritates me when people say that i am leading a really slack army life. They are just so wrong. Lets talk a little about my job. I am currently working under NS call-up section. I have to create nominal roles for 20,000++ people and when they come back for reservist i have to wake up very very early in the morning. The past few days i hardly had 4 hours of sleep. Eg, today i woke up at 340am just to report for work. Nope, i dun get to go home earlier, i have to stay back. When these NSmen leave their ICT(in camp trainings) I once again have to travel back to their camps to out- process them. By then, I would most probably leave for home at around 8pm. Other then my job nature, I have a very "nice" boss. Why? Thats because I have been thrown work last minute. In the end, I have to stay back and "enjoy" the loneliness and isolation in this god forsaken land. Enough of this... I am so tired!

Feelings & Relationships- Recently, things haven't been smooth sailing. Other then having a rather healthy with my family, the water around me seems to be cooling. You may think that I am just being really paranoid, but I feel the distance. I tried hard to make things work. I am practically on my knees. However, whatever that has been done isn't enough. I have always wondered, will any/every realtionship last forever? Be it friendship or someting else. Is it very important for one to "renew" their love for each other by telling them how much you love them everyday? Does actions speak louder than words no more? I can really relate to one of Jay Chou's songs - Kai Bu Liao Kou. Have you ever wanted to say something so much but back off in the end for the fear of failure? Well, I have. Thats my weakness. Something which may cost the future dearly. I have been really bothered about this and have been seeking people for help. The throbbing pain in my head makes it worse. However, I still chickened out for the fear of going through the past once more. Perhaps my solution would be feeling in a distance. I'm afraid...so so afraid...I'm tired...so so tired.

-I guess the best isn't good enough-
PLS give me strength




Army week 2



19th DEC - 24th DEC
(Day 9 - Day 14)

The 2nd week seem to pass pretty fast. You just have to go through the daily routines. You need not rack your brains and decide what to do or where to go(eg..Should I go Orchard later? Who should I call?). It is all set and placed in front of you. Not much choices i being given to a recruit. Which also means, not much freedom. Every action is already pre-determined. However, the fate of these recruits are not left to the hands of God but rather the hands of our superiors. The constant torture and torment. The ever familiat words of "You are not SHAG!" triggers every other second when you are moaning in pain and feel that you are about to give up. It does help to push you forward for you fear for something much worse if you disobey. In previous blog entries, I wrote about uncertainties. It is these uncertainties that drives a person forward. It is true. However, being to certain too does make you move on. Example? If you know that if you do not meet the requirements of these superiors, it is very certain that you will meet your doom - "sign one extra!!"(Extra refers to extra guard duty and your weekends gets burned). Ironic and contradicting.

As the first book out weekend draws nearer, You seem to have more energy and motivation to work harder. However, these extra energy was not put to waste. Training got tougher and I did my first AGR(something group running) on Friday 24th DEC. It was pretty tough. Non-stop running until they are pleased. Right after that, we were sent back to our bunks to do area cleaning. It must be sparkling clean or get F@$#ed!(Sorry, common army word). We did not have time to bathe and we had to fall in in out smelly smart 4 attire. Sweat trickling down our backs while we carried our field pack filled with 2 weeks old of clothings, filled with sweat and blood. Though there was a pain in my back that wouldn't dissappear, there was joy filled in my heart! I finally endured 2 weeks of hell - a major culture shock.

The fast craft was a magical experience. The march to the jetty displayed our hype and energy as we sang the army songs at the top of our vioces. Filled with enthusiasm, filled with tears of joy and victory. Why? Because it is our first time after 2 weeks that we will be stepping on mainland. The fresh air, the beautiful scenary. Even the tress seems beatifl. Well..At least I did feel so. The journey was filled with anticipation. Every recruit had a smile on their face. 'Chit and Chats' were in the air. I t was not noise anymroe, it was music - the sound of joy. As we waited for out bus ride, we fell in and waited. Impatient hearts started to fill the torment. It seems that the only cure would be meeting our love ones as soon as possible. Well - some others used FHMs and MAXIMs as their medicine. I was beaming but inside, desperately looking for the person who was supposed to pick me up. After walking for 'miles', I finally spotted a familiar face. Someone whom I have not seen for ages.The distance grew smaller. Every step I took, the more memories that arise. Every minute - the closer i feel to the person. As soon as I entered the car, I dropped down with a heavy heart, "Mum, I made it!"






Army week 1



11th DEC'04 - Day 1

As I stepped into BMTC 2, I felt a strong sense of uncertainty. It was hard to decide whether I was excited or full of anxiety. As we, recruits seperated with our loved ones, we were greeted by our "friendly" sergeant major. At this point of time, I realised, army is not going to be smooth sailing - not easy. Images of death, agony, conformity flashed through my mind. Am I going to survive this spiritual stun and emotional stun and push myself to the limits of pyhsical growth or just die with the lost of creativity, a lost of individuality. I am not trying to say that National Service is bad. I mean, if no one is willing to protect our country, who will? It is just that the fear the instructors instill in you is more than enough to dread your stay here. They may be friendly at heart but are presented to be monsters and demons. It may be their job but I am sure there are better ways to teach these fresh man dicipline. Today was also my first water parade. I've never felt so bloated. I told myself, " Oh Fuck, it's only the first." I wonder what will be installed for me the next day.

12th DEC - 15th DEC (Day 2 - Day 5)

And I thought Day 1 was hell. And here comes the death of we physically challenged 'weak' recruits. With countless combat trainings to endless marches. March to and fro the cook house. We were physically and mentally drained. The day of hard work rewarded with a miserable half an hour's of rest. With this half an hour, we had to bathe, prepare for the next day's event, wash clothes and call our loved ones. Enough time? Definitely not. Lights out at 2230hrs and must be awake by 0530hrs. Girls, please appreciate life, appreciate us guys. Within these few days I felt lost and homesick. Fortunately, I am able to click with the people there quite well. If we don't mix well, who will help me against the monsters? The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

16th DEC - Day 6

Today we had a 3km route march. 3km may seems quite easy. I mean, I'm sure that i walked more then 10km around Orchard Road before. However, I was very wrong. With 20 over KG on my back and with a freaking heavy dummy rifle, it is as if chains are tied to your legs and you have just walk over 100km. Gravity really killed me this time. Especially when you have to march at the same pace as others, your mind will be too focused and you will be mentally drained. At least there are army songs to transport your mind to another place, lightening your load a little and boosting your morale. Morale is very important in army. The songs are quite nice too. If i have the chance i can sing it for those who wants to know. My favourites are "training to be soldiers" and "valentine". This is because I can relate to the song "Valentine". Sigh... It just momentarily evoke memories. Memories ought to be forgotten but just stuck in my heart. After the march, we still had more exercises. Craps. This is hell.

17th DEC - 18th DEC (Day7 & Day 8)

Day 7 was quite a slack day. We did area cleaning and very little exercise. For me of course. That was because i reported sick. I had 3 days light duties. Hence I skipped the IPPT categorisation thingy. I told the medical officer about my long term medical problem but he doesnt't seem to be bothered. He just gave me some medicine that is of no use to me, I can't recover. Looks like getting out of course is difficult. Quick! someone break my leg! While talking to the instructors at night, I suddenly feel a strong gush of adrenaline through my blood. Duty and service to the country. To protect the ones I love - " Look all around us, people everywhere. Chiledren having fun, while we are holding guns." I shall give my best. My fullest limit and potential. To protect everyone, to dedicate it to my lvoe.
Saturday - Just another day for sick boy Ong Song. It is most probably the most xiong day of all and i was 'saved' by my illness. Not sure whether I am able to survive it. With the hundreds of desperate faces looking for hope - a physical relief. After the 2.4km run in the morning there were footdrills and later , a 3km route march. However, before that, there was combat PT 1. Everyone was dying. This is not something that normal body can endure, let alone weak PTP people like us. To be able to clear such obstacles, one has to conjure metaphysical forces. But lets not talk about such things in Tekong. However admin time was long. We had 2 hrs admin time. I sms-ed and talked to my army buddies. As usual, the topic on girls. Haha. But needless to say, we are not desperate. I mean, it is better for 2 guys to talk about girls than guys right? I ended another slack and boring daywith other attempt ill 'chao geng' recruits.




SAJC Grad Night 2004



Grad night was really fun. It did not turn out that bad afterall. We took millions of photos. This is when ordinary teenage girls become angels and good looking guys become...erm..more good looking? It is a magical moment when wonderful JC memories are evoked. It was the night of the year. Every Saint was looking forward to to fluant god's gift. It was "the event". I was awed by everyone. And more "awed" by my stupidity for spending so much for GRad night. It totalled up to $1000 over. YIKES! Could have spent it on someone else. Well if you guys wanna see the graduation night photos please email me and I reply you the website. ongsong16@hotmail.com or dr.kopi@gmail.com . Anyway after the celebration of separation, I headed to Rouge and it was very crowded. I left after awhile since my friends wanted to play pool. It was really tiring. esp after saving a girl from falling. I crawled back to my hotel room and dropped dead. That concludes the end of a chapter of my life. The end of JC - The end of SAJC.




Singapore idol


How do you determine an idol? Talent or popularity? I think both are important but popularity would ultimately be triumphant. The winner of Singapore idol 2004 - Taufik Batisah, Runners-up - Sylvester Sim. But who is the real winner? Taufik's future is bleak whereas Sly's future is more certain. Producers are more confident in investing on Sly. So who is the real winner? You decide. Is Singapore idol nothing more then just a mere title? I think so. 6 months of hardship? Limited weeks of fame. Will the Taufik fever die out hidden behind Sly's shadow or will he once again emerge Victorous? Will this be another Rueben - Clay fairy-tale? Only time has the answer to these questions. All we have to do is wait. Aren't we always waiting? e.g commercial breaks. We are all professional "waiters" now.




Radix Malorum est Cupiditas


Radix malorum est cupiditas - the love for money is the root of all evil, in other words, greed. Greed is seen in almost everyone and is a vice. Greed can be both good and bad. However, I shall focus on the monetary aspects of greed.
I shall keep this entry short. I went for bowling SAJC bowling training today. It was really nice to see old and new faces on the team. I was really happy though bored. I had to help Alex in his warm-up today too. It is tough to lead a team for the first time and it is no easy task. Anyway I realised that SA is gonna be really strong, esp the guys. After training we head out for lunch and I was broke. I was suddenly reminded of the importance of money in this world. Have you ever imagined how much your friend has in his wallet? I don't think so right? Other then the times when you are planning to share a cab. Well, I did as i was crossing the overhead bridge towards Roxy Square. Is everyone like me? Carrying little amounts of money to avoid overspending or are there wallets fat and swollen with thick stacks of dough. I suddenly had a strong "craving" for money. I was turning greedy. I thought of stealing, robbing, embazzling but all these are punishable crimes. How do we strike rich quick? I was reminded of the story in "The pardoner's tale" by Chaucer. 3 "brothers" ended killing each other for the sake of money. Does this proof that greed is wrong? That is for you to answer.... I have 2 more entries to type so i shall end here. Will get back on this topic. Just a word of advice, greed is alright but do not go overboard that will cause harm on others.

- My theme is alwey oon, and evere was- Radix Malorum est Cupiditas -




Perceptions and Beauty


There are many different perceptives a person can take. There are many different ways an observer can view things. However, if these issues are viewed in the wrong manner, it may lead to undesirable outcomes. Jealousy, hate, anger, sadness... The list goes on. In today's society, one of these problems would be related to love. Lets make up and analogy - If Mary and Tom are really close friends and they do things together all the time, George(Mary's boyfriend and Tom's friend) may be unhappy if things are not interpreted correctly. Thus leading to jealousy. It is very common nowadays. It is funny that human nature allow us to think differently and come up with out with our own perceptions. Is our mind that complex till the point that we are unable to solve a fundamental problem? Will we, as human, eventually solve the mystery of our mind? Are psychologists able to solve these heterogeneous puzzles and crack the nut? The mind is so intricate, delicate. Hard to understand, easy to destroy. However, it is good that the mind is limitless without boundaries. If it is limited? Wouldn't it stifle our creativity? Will I be able to be sitting infront of my computer to type this or will I be penning my thoughts down?

-One man's meat is another man's poison-
Thank god it's true or everyone will be single, leaving the world with a single couple. As i was shopping for my graduation night, it dawned upon me the importance of beauty. First impressions usually last the longest and what are first impressions usually made of? Looks. To look presentable is one thing, to be good looking is another. Everybody wants to be good looking, hence the "beauty industry" is thriving. Plastice surgery, make-up, slimming pills, bust enlargement programmes, designer brand clothing, etc. How much will one pay for beauty? As i pass by shops and shops of Prada and Gucci, i noticed that prices are casted at exorbitant rates. A simple Paul Smith T-shirt cost about a few hundred dollars. Now, these leads to my next question. How do you define beauty? Through the design you wear or the brand you wear? Will you buy a $3 t-shirt at Tiong Bahru Market and fluant about it? I don't think so. By wearing designer brands, we are trying to create an image for ourselves. A person with class? A person with riches? It brings back the point on perceptions. Why do we have to judge someone through what they are wearing? This creates self-consciousness and not just simply vainity issue. Self-consciousness will ultimately lead to the destruction of humans. It is a very simple, but vicious cycle. For example, someone starts a trend. People start to be more aware about looks. They start to out-do each other. "How will I look better than the other person? Ahh! plastic surgery! AHH expensive clothes!" Soon more and more will be spent. With simple economics law of demand and supply, with increasing demand and constant supply, prices will inevitable increase, making simple looking clothes into velvet clothes the Gods wear just because of the prices. So can we pay for beauty? I don't think so. It is ironic for me to say this though because i did spend alot of money today and wondering - is it all worth it? Does anyone not see inner beauty anymore(not that i have any though)? Well.. this is a question most blind people can answer but not myopic people like us. We are too concern for material gains and hope that through these materialistic value of our wear can actually bring about non-material gains such as love and true emotions. Are we truely happy then? One man's meat is another man's poison - it doesn't matter if u are short or tall, green or black hair, sick or healthy, spectacles or contacts, everyone will have someone. It may not be now, but it also doesn't mean never. Just try not to be obsessed over looks and disregard what is much more important. It is something hidden in the heart, it is feelings.

-Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-





Regrets


Everyone has regrets. No is able to escape this misery. Questions of "what if" will naturally come to one's mind and this feeling isn't that fantastic if you know that the path you took in the past actually cost your precious future dearly. I am no exception.

Last Saturday I was at my school's bowling chalet at NSRCC - A place filled with recollections. Being in that vicinity naturally evoked memories. I came into contact with the past. Was the actions taken then stupid? Did I portray myself to be an idiot? Why did I do such a thing? What if I didn't do these....What if I did that..... A trend of thoughts came before me. I look at my state now and it suggested that I should not have done the things i did. But isn't it already too late? It is regretful.

Somehow, this stayover made me think about the things i have done in life. Be it family matters, friendships, love life or studies - were they something to be proud of or chagrined? No matter how these issues may seem important, it is already too late. No one can change the past. The only way to salvage a proper life is to do the right thing now and have a better, clearer future...or more desirably - to life without regrets. It is the choices that we make that matters.

Another issue that really woke me up was being mean towards someone. I finally realised that it is no fun being criticised at and still trying to take things naturally. I emphasize on being tactful, but yet, I am unable to practise what i preach. I make fun of my friends often, let alone strangers. Some may see it as a joke, but some may not. Can one differentiate someone who is sensitive or not? If you can't be sure, at least try to keep comments to yourself or find a more appropriate way of conveying your message. Though criticizing someone may be alot of joy, it also brings sadness to this world. "Hey look at that monster, her face is like a pimple plantation!" Sure, your friends may find it funny. What about the victim? "Nobody" is perfect, even narcissist should know that. Being a discriminator, i am bound to have retribution. Perhaps the retribution that i am suffering now is the guilt i have to live with or even insults hurled at me. It is sad and painful, but this is what punishments are all about - this is what life is all about.

Am i regretting being mean? Am i sincere in changing my attitude and becoming a better person or am i someone fake. Someone who is more worried of retribution and change for the sake of changing. It's my personality. Whether i change or not, time is required. Lesson to be learn - Think of the consequences before acting. I have to try to change, but it will be hard. But then again, since when was life ever easy?

Just for acknowledge- Thank you Tee Hsien and Victor. You too are true bros and i owe both of you big time. Anyway, the trip was all worth it. Finally, something i did not regret doing.

-Always begin with the end in mind-





The count down starts



"A levels over....how now?...think...and die..."

2 years of jc life just pass in a flash. I hardly had any fun and its over. Though there are many unhappy moments, politics and conflicts, it was great, especially suaning people in my class. Oh well... the end of something, the start of another.... I just know that i need not wear any school uniforms anymore other then my army uniform... Damn enlistment in 2 weeks time.. The clock is ticking... No more time.

I feel like i am a vagabond, roaming the streets of Singapore. No aim , no motive. A pest to the society? Maybe. It is hard to stay focus without an objective. Perhaps thinking too much will only cause more confusion. I feel like a kite in midair, just leaving my fate and destiny to the wind. The thread about to snap. About to transport me to another place where everything will seem foreign to me. As the hands of the wind lift me up, i feel the "carefree-ness" yet a great sense of uncertainty. What will happen to me? That is a question everyone ponders about. But how can someone who hates conformity adapt to changing society? A society that does not recognise the minority. However, this uncertainty drives me forward. Who would bother about how he does things in the present if he already knows what is gonna happen. It it this sense of uncertainty that make someone search for a better self. In search for an identity - identity of the individual, not the masses. The society does not show compassion to anyone who refuses to conform. However, in this competitive world, who would want to go against the majority? Who would take the risk of ruining his own future. A person who excels in studies or a person who refusing to stick with the normal education system - who would you hire? In this utilitarian society, the "weak and useless" gets marginalised. However, these strong fetters i must break or lose myself in dead dreams. It may seem like incongruity, but it is a decision i have made. I challenge the norm and ally with their enemies. The path may be hard as strange eyes analyse you. But is there a choice? A person with dreams? Or a living dead? (inspired by Boey Kim Cheng's - another place)

Jay Chou's concert last night was a blast! I enjoyed it so much. Though his entrance wasn't as nice as his "Fantasy" concert, the ending was real good. He sang "Kai Bu Liao Kou" and "Qi Li Xiang". He also sang all my favourite songs like "An Jing" , "Jie Kou" and lots more. Too bad he didn't sing "Wo De Di Pan". Anyway, no matter how much i paid, it was worth it. Can't wait for his next concert here in Singapore. Anyway i will end this entry here.. God Bless.

"But you shall find the band that seems to tie their friendship together will be the very strangler of their amity" - Enobarbus





Tick tock tick tock......



Another lonely friday evening.Facing the computer.Stoning....stoning....
I can't believe that i am even wasting time here. I really should be studying. A levels in less then a month's time. I haven't even started preparation. So screwed...so screwed..
This one month decides my future...whether i make it in life or not....If i don't pass my As, where can i go? I would be stuck in army already. I can't retain even if i want to. No university will accept me because i am too stupid. Because i am spending precious time typing stupid blogs rather than studying. Why don't i have the motivation....the drive like others..Everyone else is mugging their asses off and me? Watching DVD and heading out to catch a movie.
How stupid...maybe i am just tired with my life already.. i give up...SCREW THE WORLD WAHAHAHA. At least i will die not a virgin...





Love - Blessing or Curse?



LOVE
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

Can someone really explain love? Well i can't. I feel that love is something/a feeling so special that it is not explainable. Well...have i experienced love before? Puppy love i guess..something i knew wouldn't last.. I was right, relations were short, feelings are forever....
I feel that love is a relationship and a feeling shared by 2 people. "One-sided" love is more like a liking or a crush. I am surprised by people who says "oh...i am so in love with her.." even though that they haven't even spoken a word before. Perhaps there is nothing wrong saying that if strong bonds of attraction exist. I guess this is when people say " love at first sight. "

I admit that i am pretty much a failure in love. Well... i guess everyone has their fair shares in this matter. And i also admit that i am a late developer. I only started talking to the opposite sex when i was in secondary 2. It is a totally difference experience - i coming from a single-sex school- . I didnt do the usual "crapping" because....i was shy? However, i slowly accepted them in my life. I felt more comfortable(i should right, if not i will be so gay). Suddenly, i felt a specail attration to this particular person..It was probably a crush because she was one of the first girls that talked to me. BUT...she was attached....i told myself " Dun be stupid la..concentrate on studies..." yeah right...Soon.. that girl broke up and she talked to me very often. I didn't know whether i was happy or not. After all she was feeling very sad and down. She got over it quite fast surprisingly (with my help obviously haha..i guess). We got quite close and i was a potential boyfriend material(who am i kdding) according to her. But what happened? Don't ask me. We suddenly stopped talking. Exams i guess. Later i found out that she got attached to someone else again. Attached to another friend and she turn from a nice innocent girl to....whatever. After another failed relationship, she lost trust in the male spieces and turn to... I feel very sad for her. Though she may seem happier now, i know deep down she is still suffering. I try to help but nothing could change the decision she made. Till today it still pains me. Maybe if i continued talking to her and helping her out. She wouldn't turn out this way. Anyway lesbian relationship won't be long term.
After such an experience, i told myself. Since everyone is enjoying themselves now, why don't i play around too? I did. I became a real big flirt. A real dick. Lol. Even my juniors come and ask me for help and to teach them. How bad is that? This is when my social circle swelled up. No matter "Ah Lian","Ah Hwui" i also flirt(but of course they must have some looks also la). I basically form a reputation for myself(and pls i am not trying to be bhb here). Out in the streets i will at least meet someone i know. Be it ij mg crescens. But i was more focus on one school-ij . I had more friends there.(Btw the girls i know are younger then me and now i am forgotten-old news) Come to think about it, i really wonder how i know so many people then..hm..One fine day, i met the person i was looking for. I can still remember very vividly the date and time when i recieved my first sms. Since then i change.
We confessed very shortly. Soon we were in love, or so i thought. I placed much emotion and devotion into this relationship. At that point of time i really thought that this relationship will last forever. The feeling was refreshing. To love and to be loved. The love we share - transendent. How much? " There's beggary in the love that can be reckoned." She was my venus. We faced my tribulations and obstacles due to misunderstandings of people. Though there were many problems that came our way. We fought hard and strong. Alas, our relation was cooling.
I stopped talking to her. I felt hurt and destroyed. I live day by day in agony. A little too dramatic u say, well at least that was how i felt. I told myself to forget her no matter what. I couldn't. One day she messaged me again(feb). Since then our relationship spurred on once again after 1++ months of silence. I won't say what happened la but we walked seperate ways once again. That was a week before my chinese O'levels examination. I had sleepless nights and i couldn't study. Even my mother came to console me. I know that i just can't let her go. I decided to give her time; give myself time. i decided not to talk to her for the next 4 months until her birthday. Even when i stayed over at her house we remained hostile(dont ask me how and how come i still go over and stay...maybe i just miss her haha). I decided to ask her again after 4 months...relations brewed again. Or so i thought. I told myself " strike when the iron is hot". I took my chances but i failed terribly. It was probably the saddest moment of my entire life. I was lucky that my friends came up to me to share my sorrows. Even the "obstacable" finally realised how much i felt for her. At this point of time i realised how important my family is. I felt very close to them. This was a final indication. NO MORE! wrong again... Feelings are still being stirred up again whenever i recieve her msg. I will feel both happy and sad at the same time. I really wish that i was living in a fairytale story where we will live happily ever after. Now only memories are left to stay in my mind. If i have the chance to turn back the hands of time, i will not change anything because as i reminisce the past, though there are many unhappy memories, when i look back on the happy times we spent together, it was all worth it. It has been 3 over years and these feelings remain. First love is always the sweetest. Therefore the hardest to forget. If there is any opening in the future, i daresay that i will not let this chance and opportunity to slip away. Sigh
*(some issues were not mentioned as they can be quite sensitive)
*(Names were remain anonymous to protect the identity of the person)

Well, I do acknowledge the people who like me(lol bhb again) but u people came at the wrong time. I really appreciate the sincerity but i can't accept your wronged love at that point of time. There is also a "what if" in life. Maybe your life will become worse, maybe not. Maybe i will become happier, maybe not. This experience made me realised that i should cherish everyone at hand. I matured more through this as this experience is a lesson on life. I am no longer a flirt =).
I won't be that heartless and forget the people who like me before though. Hope that i can claim my table from ij haha (heard someone wrote my name all over a table and posted my number!). I guess you think i am some hot shit, but i can assure you i am not! I am a sick weakling. You may also think that i am lucky to have others "all over" me. But hold your horses. I tend to attract the wrong crowd too. Yup, people of the same sex.Let me count.......yes ,4. Don't really want to talk about them la. If interested just ask me. Haha. And to this group of people who stumble upon my blog, don't worry.I won't reveal who you are and where you are from.

My love life is filled with ups and downs. I have many other stories like what happened after my relationship. Lol. Will i like someone else? These questions are for me to ponder now. Others will definitely have a chance but am i willing to give myself a chance? It isn't easy forget and it is not right going into a reltionship and thinking of someone else. I will be ready soon. However if she comes back.......nvm.

-A memory that remains-

To be continued...

Pls leave a comment or anything. I just want to keep track on who reads my blog so i know whether some issues are sensitive or not. Thanks.

I promise. 6:03 AM.

Friday, September 17, 2004

I got my handphone!



I finally got my new fone and new number...however i will still be usin my old number..contact me with either number. My new number hav free incoming so u can jus call me if u wanna tok(but i mus also be free la) wan to know my number? jus email me at dr.kopi@gmail.com or ongsong16@hotmail.com .
This msg calls out to all M1 user that knows me..if u wan me to call u frequently or u think i will tok to u alot..email me too and tell me who u are. this is becos i will be having 6 months of free outgoing calls unlimited....onli m1 to m1 users..i left one more space so pls tell me as soon as possible..
after the month of october both of my numbers will combine into one sim card so which ever nu,ber u call u will get me... so ya... this entry is onli abt my fone info...

I promise. 7:19 AM.

Finally



Finally prelims over...sigh...now i am so lost without a sense of direction. Continue to study? No WAY! I am sick and tired already. All this exam shit really drain me out. However i start to continue studyin on monday. The next paper i will be facing would be the A levels... no more jokin around.
I will be gettin a new handphone later today. The feeling is rather bitter-sweet.. parting with my beloved 7250. It is not jus the hundreds of photos i have...it is not jus the 211 different ringtones i hav but rather the msges i have kept for years...for years...those are really memories i fond. Though in the past there were rough times, those happy days jus make up for eveything else...maybe it is abt time i shld let go.. jiu de bu qu xin de bu lai. Anyway i will write down the date and msges in my journal for my safekeep. Anyway i will be retaining my old number and gettin another line..so those who are interested jus email me ongsong16@hotmail.com or jus ask on msn or frenster. i am copyin down all my contacts and i realised i forgotten quite a few people haha. my hand is aching now not just because of copy 4 pages full of contacts but also the history paper i had earlier. I wrote until my skin tore haha 4 essays- 3 hours haha.anyway back to the fone thingy.i think i will be gettin k700i hope its good cos it will last me for quite sometime. not plannin to change anymore fones..or at least till my 2 year plan is up and i know this would require lots of determination.
anyway..i think my blog is crap...the contents aint tat exciting. the best blog i ever read is xiaxue's blog. @ xiaxue.blogspot.com. omg she is so bitchy abt everything that now everything seems so interesting.. somehow i am slowly turnin into a xiaxue addict haha...not in any sick terms of cos..unlike lewis. Anyway i will try to keep up with more interesting topics cos i dun really believe in writing down day events but rather feelings. more excitin haha. tats about it so nite!

I promise. 1:04 AM.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Boey an inspiration?



When i was showering today...i talked to myself....why the hell am i studying literature? It is really stupid. What use would it be in the future? Does studying english make me more sophisticated? I don't think so. However, it dawned upon me that through literature, i can understand people better. I can understand myself better. Omg...am i turning into Boey Kim Cheng? Hope not.
Through the works of Boey, i don't really find him sophisticated but rather irritating. Why does he have to make his life so complicated? Why can't he just live a simple and not seek uncertainty. Ain't life a hassle already? Why bother changing it? Is it really to better himself or hoping that his books become a hot seller and thus, the inflow of cash? Nevertheless, after much analysis, i do find his works interesting. I feel that i can relate to him. I feel that i should follow him and better myself. Leave everything behind and start out on a journey. A journey to seek answers to my life question - Why am i so yandao but so stupid? Just kidding. Boey follows his passion and responses to his calls of duty. Likewise, i should too. However, i hav to find out what my passion is in the first place. In which aspect would i like to better my self in? Studies? Muay Thai? Flirting(ritez...)? Or just being more crappy? I think i should travel to India myself to find spiritual peace and comfort.....OK...i finished showering...time to stop thinking such crap...omg i am getting so retarded.
I watched Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle already..and i think it is the coolest shit ever! Omg they are really lame and retarded. Somehow they remind me of.....me! hm.. After seeing what burgers at white castle can do to Harold, i have no choice but to go to white castle myself. It is my life mission. To have the tastiest burgers in the world! However, i don't wish to encounter that much trouble. But, if i have a choice, i would kill Freakshow and elope with his wife...HOT! Anyway it is really a nice show and i watched it twice...sweeetttta~
(jus to side track abit, just now when i was shitting, i realised that my shit smell like pepperoni pizza! woooooooooot!)
Anyway back to harold and kumar. After watchin the show, i have lost interest in other shows... H&K jus screwed my life man. i cannot enjoy any other show anymore. My life feels so empty. The show also touches on racism...No doubt, i am 100% racist. I discriminate every race..including mine. But now i feel that ABI(american borned indian) Rocks! haha kumaR..I LOVE U! wahahah u are the coolest shit man...the gayest shit too haha. Anyway enuff of that show or i'll really turn bonkers haha....oh man...white castle...*dRooLZ*
haha anyway i think i wrote enough crap for tonite..will think of a better topic the next time i write(dun really like to write daily events..quite boring haha). Btw..people who actually read my blog.. try to leave something at the shoutout box. so at least i know and i wont shit around so much and med..i'm serious hahaha..but it is up to u to believe..hav some confidence =p.cyaz
(will still have my revenge)

I promise. 1:48 AM.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

-Friends-



According to the dictionary friends mean "one attached to another by affection or esteem " and " a favored companion". However,i feel that friends are just known strangers. They do not really care for you. Some may even be out to sabotage you. Why? This is because it is a competitive world we are living in,regardless of whether the social and political system is based on meritocracy or nepotism. Obviously, if one believes in meritocracy,in order to be the best, won't you have to win the rest? Using underhand means if it is a must. For nepotism, history has proven that power struggle within family members do exist. Is the world really peaceful? Do we have real friends? Or is the word "friend" just another word u associate with someone you know? If so, i have many friends, but no true friends. True friends are people that look out for you when you are in trouble. They are willing to sacrifice themselves for you. It is really true that true friends and companions are hard to come by, whereas for me, it is impossible to have one because due to past experiences, i can never trust anyone anymore.
I have always been a very protected child. My parents and brother remain very close to me. If i face any problems, they will be there to lead me out of the wilderness. Such bonds made me come to realise that human beings are such nice creatures filled with care and emotions. Automatically, i had the same thoughts and feelings towards other people i see. Since i came out into the world of people when i entered school, i remember being very excited. Finally the taste of true friendship. I would devote everything in them. I would share my sweets and secrets with them. Always the first to talk to them and play with them. Until one "fine" day, some friends started to lie to me and made false complains to teachers, i realised that the world is vicious. Another incident i remember was when i saw friends exchanging forbidden items during my primary school days. When the discs got confiscated they suspected me and forced me to pay up. That was because i was a prefect, people tend to judge u quickly. The years of friendship we shared just vanish within seconds due to misunderstanding. Since there was a lack of trust and understanding, can i really call this a "friendship". Being young and naive i thought this would not happen again. Afterall friends quarrelling is unavoidable. i remained loyal and close to other people that come my way. This was something i regretted.
Back in secondary school, i once again met people i thought i could trust. Whenever they call me out, i would be there. But once they meet their Gfs or whatever, they just throw me aside like a tire. When i really thought i could make some good friends, they get posted to other classes and that made relations cool. Therefore i've never made many good friends in secondary school, but rather good backstabbers. However i did make 1 or 2 from my CCA. However they did give me a hard time too..RIGHT SAM? haha.(That is another story for another time). I had given up on friends already. It's really sad because i look at my father mother and brother, they have friends that are as thick as blood. Is this jealousy i see?
Finally in junior college, i thought things took a turn for the better. I knew no one in SAJC, but every soon friendly people started coming over to introduce themselves. At that moment i told myself,"i think i am gonna like it here." How wrong. I feel that the relationship i share with my friends is like the opposite of others. Rather then the relation getting warmer, it gets colder. Its like a fruit slowly rotting. No matter how to try to save the fruit, time kills it slowly. It's not nice to pinpoint people at this time. No one is to be blamed for their personality. If i can't get any true friends, i'll live with it. At least i have a family that cares and a heart without guilt.
A simple msg for those people out there..cherish your friends cos they are really important and if u do backstab, they are just not worth it. Just watch your back and treat yourself with caution. You'll never want to be in the position i'm in. And lastly, never take things for granted.
(btw med..thanks for the help and others who still regard me as a close friend, u'll never be forgotten...i promise)

I promise. 10:09 PM.